


If ever a Whiz there was

by Ripley2win



Category: Moonlight (TV), Wizard Of Oz (1939)
Genre: Children's Literature, Crossover, Gen, Wizard of Oz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-16
Updated: 2010-07-16
Packaged: 2017-10-10 14:09:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/100610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ripley2win/pseuds/Ripley2win
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was such a temptation to write this crossover.  And of course, some temptatiions are so great it would be a sin to not give in to them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If ever a Whiz there was

If ever a Whiz there was  
a Moonlight/Wizard of Oz parody  
Time is set post Click

 

I don't own either Moonlight nor Wizard of Oz, but I had a lot of fun putting them together.

 

Cast of Characters  
Beth-Dorothy  
Maureen-Glinda, Good Witch of the North  
The Cleaner-all Munchkins are identical and all wear tight black leather pants   
Guillermo-Scarecrow  
Josef-Tin man  
Mick-Cowardly Lion  
Josh-dead Wicked Witch of the East under house  
Lance-Wicked witch of the West  
Coraline-Toto  
Logan-the Wizard of Oz  
2 young vamps from Click-flying monkeys  
Kidnapped Munchkins-guards at the Castle of the Wicked Witch of the West. They wear red leather.

 

"Maureen assigned me to a story you might be interested in, Mick." Mick's eyebrows shot up, but he otherwise remained silent. Beth knew he was willing to listen.

"The Wizard of Oz is Maureen's favorite movie. The Oxford Museum, which has a huge collection of Oz memorabilia, has been robbed repeatedly . Last time they stole the Tin man's ax. Glinda's wand is the highlight of the next exhibit to go on display. I think there will be another robbery before the exhibition opens tomorrow night."

"I've been hired to oversee security on this new exhibit" Mick said "and I agree. They'll probably hit the Museum tonight. Is there much chance you'll stay home tonight and wash your hair?"

Beth's raised left eyebrow spoke loudly.

Mick and Beth stayed in the Museum's security control room and watch monitors for several hours when they saw two figures moving on the screen. One was white and the other figure was black. Beth followed Mick out the control room door. Neither Mick nor Beth saw Coraline on the monitor come in the Museum back door.

Mick smelled young vamps as he made a right turn toward the main exhibit hall. Beth spotted a shadow moving and turned left to follow it. She promptly tripped on a step leading to the loading dock and knocked herself out cold.

When she woke, her head was spinning and holding her head still with her hands wasn't helping. She opened her eyes. Her head wasn't the only thing spinning. The house in the air was spinning. She looked down at her blue gingham dress and said "you've got to be kidding. This is who I am?"

The house crashed onto highly solid ground. A dog whimpered quietly somewhere in the house. Dorothy and Toto cautiously left the shamble of a house. Once outside, Dorothy looked closely at Toto and realized that she had the color of Coraline's eyes and hair. The first thing Toto did after leaving the house is lift her leg and try to pee on Beth's leg.

"Oh, no you don't." Dorothy shooed the dog away.

"What the hell did you do? Why am I in this body?" Coraline's whiny voice seemed oddly at home in a small, flea-ridden canine body.

"I didn't do anything. I'm stuck here, too?" Suddenly, a driver-less shiny black limousine floated through the air from a small technicolor foothill in the distance and gently settled a few feet from Dorothy. A tall, beautiful black woman in a sleek formal evening gown emerged from the car.

"Oh crap. We're not in L.A. any more." Dorothy took a step forward to get a better look at the newcomer.

"My name is Glinda. Are you a good witch or a bad witch?"

'I'm not a witch at all. I'm Dorothy from L.A."

"Well, then is that the witch?" Glinda pointed to Toto.

"That's a bitch, not a witch. Seriously, she's a dog."

Toto shouted angrily at Glinda and Dorothy and said "Now just a minute, you morons."

"Shut up, bitch." Toto stalked off angrily when Glinda took away her human voice.

"Well, somebody's got to be a powerful witch because there's the dead body of the Wicked Wizard of the East. The shoes and socks fell off at the moment he was squished. See, there's the magic Toe ring. Quick, take it."

"I don't want it. I want to get back to L.A. Can you help me find my way back to L.A.?"

"Nope, never heard of it. The only person who might know is the Wizard of Oz in Emerald City and that's a long journey from here. If you aren't a witch, you'll have to walk." Glinda magically removed the toe ring from the dead body. It appeared in Glinda's hand and she tried to give it to Dorothy to protect her on her journey.

"Obviously the toe ring doesn't work."

"Take it anyway." Dorothy put it in her pocket.

A sudden gust of wind, thunder and lightening scattered the large group of identical little Munchkins wearing identical tight black leather outfits. They knew who was coming. A man appeared in the midst of red smoke and fire. He was tall, pale and has one black glass eye. He was Wicked Wizard of the West.

"Who killed my brother wizard? Was it you, human?"

"No, I didn't" Dorothy turned around to look at the body partly under her house. "Uh-mm...it was an accident. I didn't mean to kill anybody!"

"I can cause accidents, too." The Wizard was in no mood to listen to anything Dorothy had to say. "Where is his ring? By right, it should be mine now." the Wizard hissed.

"You have no power here. Begone." Glinda threatened as she raised her wand.

"Time is on my side, Dorothy. I have forever. You don't." Sudden wind, lightening, fire and smoke followed the Wizards disappearance.

"The sooner you get back to L.A. the safer you'll be, my dear. All you have to do is follow the slightly bloody Yellow Brick Road to the end at Emerald City."

"Bloody?"

"Uh...maybe they're just red paint splatters. Just follow the road."

Toto licked Dorothy's ankles as if begging to be carried in Dorothy's basket. "No , I'm not carrying you in my basket."

Glinda threatened Toto with her wand. "You heard what she said. You can walk, bitch."

No sooner than Dorothy and Toto were out of sight of Munchkin Land than they encountered field after field of tall corn. Just inside a field, Dorothy spotted a scarecrow hung on a post.

Dorothy's feet were already tired so she sat down near the scarecrow and rubbed her feet. "I wish I were a bat so I could fly all the way to see the Wizard."

"Being a bat would be great. Well, I'm made out of straw. It's worse than being human. It's not natural."

Dorothy jumped up and turned around at the unexpected sound of a voice. "Who said that?"

The scarecrow pointed at Toto. Dorothy scowled at the scarecrow and asked "Are you trying to be funny? Or are you a couple of tacos short of a combination plate?"

"Like I said, my head is full of straw. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have a brain."

"The Wizard of Oz is supposed to help me get back to L.A., my home. I don't see why he couldn't try to help you, too. Why don't you come with me to the Emerald City?"

"Yes, I want that, but get me off this post first." Dorothy reached up and bent the nail down. Immediately, the scarecrow slid down to the ground. Toto tried to pee on the Scarecrow but was shooed away.

Dorothy, the Scarecrow and Toto had walked several miles when they spotted an apple orchard. By this time, Dorothy had worked up quiet an appetite walking and went to the edge of the orchard to get an apple. A low branch slapped at Dorothy's hand.

"How would you like it if somebody came along and grabbed your peaches!" The lowest branch reach toward Dorothy to touch her breasts. Dorothy ran quickly out of reach.

Beyond the orchard, Dorothy spotted a man made out of tin rusted in place beneath a large maple tree. She knocked on his chest a few times and heard echoes. Blood red rust was on the Tin man's lips. Dorothy noticed an oil can at the Tin man's feet. She oils his mouth first.

When the Tin man spoke to Dorothy, she thought his voice seemed oddly familiar but she couldn't place it. Once his arm joint was oiled, the Tin man was able to lower his ax.

"Next time knock a little bit lower, Blondie."

"You've got quite an echo."

"When they turned out last years model at the factory, they forgot to give me a heart. What I wouldn't do to get a heart."

"I'm Dorothy from L.A. and I'm trying to get home. This is Scarecrow and he wants to get a brain. We're off to see the Wizard at Emerald City. If he can help us, there's no reason he can't help you too. Why don't you come with us? You won't be any worse off than you are now."

The Tin man agreed and all three continue down the slightly bloody Yellow Brick Road. Soon they came to a very heavily wooded area. Trees crowded up to the edge of the road. Suddenly, a large lion standing up on his back feet jumped out at the trio. The lion seemed hungry yet oddly reluctant to eat any of his visitors. The lion appeared tempted to bite Dorothy but stopped himself. He looked at Toto and wondered aloud how dog would taste.

Dorothy fought a strong desire to comfort the cowardly Lion. "I wouldn't if I were you. I've heard she has rabies."

Cowardly Lion saw a cute little bunny scampering on the grass. He said "Excuse me a minute" and chased after the rabbit. Dorothy turned her back to the Lion as he feed on the rabbit. Lion came back with a satisfied look on his face.

Dorothy turned to the Lion. "You just had to, huh?" Cowardly Lion just quietly smiled and shrugged.

"It shouldn't be like this. I'm at the top of the food chain but I'm just a coward. I see what I want, but I'm afraid of it."

"We're off to see Wizard of Oz. Each one of of us needs something he can help us with. Join us," Dorothy implored. The Cowardly Lion agreed and they continued their journey on the Road. After many hours, the slightly bloody Yellow Brick Road was interrupted with a gigantic field of poppies.

The group was more than half way through the Field of Poppies when the plants suddenly started to bloom. The Lion and Dorothy both stopped to get a deep breath and they both got stoned. Dorothy approached the Lion quietly. She placed her hands on his chest and snuggled closer. Dorothy spoke softly as she pulled the lion down into the greenery. "There's no space between us anymore."

The Tin man tilted his head to get a better view of the action.

"Yuck." The scarecrow looked disgusted and then puzzled. "These plants blooming so suddenly is so wrong. This has got to be a trick of the Wicked Wizard. Can't someone help us? Help! Help!"

Glinda appeared invisibly beside the Tin man. With a wave of her magic want Glinda dumped snow on the amorous couple. Both appeared to shake off the drugs effect quickly. The Tin man was rusted into place by the snow.

"Get a room, girl. You needed to be stopped. Unless you really wanted to end up with a litter of kittens." Dorothy was embarrassed and quietly oiled the Tin man's joints. The Tin man was also quiet as he gave Dorothy a snarky smile.

The remainder of the journey took just another 5 minutes. The large, green marbled castle had a two wide doors that had a small openings in the center. Dorothy rang the doorbell.

"Who rang that bell?" The voice sounded sleepy as if from too many hours of playing Guitar Hero.

"We did. We want to see the Wizard. Glinda the Good Witch of the North sent me. Who are you?"

"My name is Leroy Jenkins and I'm the gatekeeper of Emerald City. And the answer is no."

"Won't you please let us in to see the Wizard? We've come such a long way already. The Wicked Wizard of the West is after her."

Leroy appeared to think things over and finally said "Come on in." The doors opened to a great hall with another set of large doors at the end. "Wait here, I'll announce you at once."

"He'll announce us at once!" Dorothy beamed at her new friends. "I'll be home in time for supper and desert. Two words: Krispy Kreme."

"A brain would be great. It would get me out of my dead end job."

"Once the wizard gives me courage, I can say and do the things that are locked up in my heart."

"All I want is a heart to let me love and to be loved. And I would never be lonely again."

The doors slowly opened to dimly lit corridor ending at a marble alter. Suddenly a large head floated above the altar.

"I know what you want. Did you bring me lunch? Anything? No. Well, then you must do me a favor and then I will grant you your requests."

"What do you need us to do?" Dorothy asked quietly.

"Bring me the black eyeball of the Wicked Wizard of the West!"

Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin man and the Cowardly Lion left the Emerald City with heavy hearts.

The Castle of the Wicked Wizard lay in a valley west of Emerald City. Halfway there, the group heard an unfamiliar sound, almost like wings. Dorothy looked up just in time to see a pair of flying monkeys appear overheard. The two flying monkeys, one black and one white, smelled unwashed and had dirty nails on their long claws. They picked Dorothy up and flew away with her.

Tin man, Cowardly Lion and Scarecrow were heartbroken to loose Dorothy so easily. "Toto, you know her scent. Can you take us to Dorothy?" The Cowardly Lion begged the dog, "Please."

Toto appeared to think over the Lion's request and nodded. The dog barked over her shoulder and she ran ahead as if to say follow me, you idiots.

The trio of rescuers hid their approach to the castle by staying behind large boulders. Even the dog stayed quiet and watched the Cowardly Lion carefully. They watched as patrolling Guards entered the castle. All the guards looked just like Munchkins except they were all dressed in red leather.

Scarecrow pointed out a large crack in the wall below a window with bars. "Let's make the crack bigger and break into the castle that way."

They used the Tin-man's ax and the Lion's strength to enlarge the crack. Quietly they entered the castle and searched for Dorothy. But when they used the ax to break down the door to the room holding Dorothy, the sound echoed loudly.

Suddenly, Dorothy, Toto and her new friends were surrounded by armed guards. They stiffened to attention when the Wicked Wizard entered the room.

"I'll kill each one of you slowly and you can't stop me."

Toto quietly approached the Wicked Wizard from behind and peed on this leg. The Wicked Wizard melted quickly into a stinky puddle. His black, glass eye rolled out of his melting head towards Dorothy. She picked it up.

"Let's take this to the Wizard of Oz right now before anything else goes wrong."

When Dorothy and her friends returned alive, the Wizard of Oz was surprised, pleased and grateful. "I wish you all had been around when I was in Wizard school. That stuck-up jerk made my life miserable for three and a half years. He put a spell on my underwear that gave me a wedgie every day. I dropped out of wizard school one semester shy of graduation because of him. Thank you. I will do my best to give each one of you your hearts desire."

Scarecrow stepped forward. The Wizard opened a large black bag and pulled out a very ornate parchment scroll. He was now a certified professor of Anthropology.

Tin man stepped forward and the Wizard pulled out a mechanical heart. Shyly, Tin man opened his chest at the seam, put his heart inside and shyly smiled at everyone.

The Cowardly Lion waited patiently for his turn and was rewarded with a Medal of Valor on a beautiful ribbon placed around his neck. He stood tall and proud; he was about to say something to Dorothy when the Wizard interrupted.

"Dorothy, I don't know how to get you back home. After all, you can't go back the way you came." Several small tears fell from Dorothy's eyes onto the Tin-man's hand and rusted immediately.

"I'm sorry," the Wizard said, "to upset you. But I sent for the only person I know who can send you home. Here she is, Glinda the Good Witch of the North."

All heads turned to watch Glinda's Limousine appear in the Wizard's small chamber.

"Why the hell didn't you send me home when we were in Munchkin land?" Dorothy asked indignantly.

"Because, girl, you needed to grow up a little. You all did. And together you did alright. Now Dorothy, are you ready to go home?"

As she took a last look at her friends, Dorothy knew these three would stay in her heart forever. She had learned as long as she was alive, she did have forever to treasure these three. No one could take that away.

"Yes, I'm ready."

"Fine. Repeat after me. Dreams endure while love abides.

Dorothy repeated the spell word for word. As she finished, she fell to the floor in a deep sleep. When she woke, Beth realized she was in a hospital bed. Mick and Josef flanked her bed. Both vamps looked like they had missed a lot of freezer time recently.

"How long was I unconscious?" Beth asked.

"Almost twenty four hours," Mick replied. He was too tired and too grateful to say anything else.

"Did you catch the two burglars? Did you see Coraline there? "

"Yes and yes. Josef dealt with the two vamp thieves in his own special way. I saw Coraline at the museum because she came to get me when you knocked yourself unconscious. I was surprised by her presence because I couldn't smell her. She used a compound that masks the vamp scent. Strangely enough, the compound is based on dog urine."

"It's not important. I'm home. With you, I'll always be home."


End file.
